Text: 2 Samuel 13:1-22; Key Verses: 2 Samuel 13:12-19

12 "Don't, my brother!" she said to him. "Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing. 13 What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you." 14 But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.
 15 Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, "Get up and get out!"
 16 "No!" she said to him. "Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me."
      But he refused to listen to her. 17 He called his personal servant and said, "Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her." 18 So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. She was wearing a richly ornamented [a] robe, for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore. 19 Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornamented [b] robe she was wearing. She put her hand on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.

One of the biggest myths of the church is that everyone is happy and wonderful on Sunday morning. When you look at our churches, especially on Christian television, you would be led to believe that everyone is excited, everyone is happy, everyone is joyful. According to the camera angle choir stands are filled with buoyant worshipers, pulpits contain men and women of God who seem so together, congregations with well dressed, smiling, joyful people. I’ve come to say that for some of us, this is simply a façade.
Yes, it’s a pretense because we are careful to put our best face forward when it comes to stepping out publicly. Some people spend two to three hours just getting ready to come to church: after all, you have to wake up, shower, brush your teeth, apply deodorant, put on undergarments, select color of clothing, decide if you’re going to be casual or dressy, decide if you’re going to be bright or moderate, and some of us decide if you’re going to be blond or brunette or red head or long hair or short hair or natural hair or use hair in a bag. It’s a process. You’ve got to decide if you’re going to bring your big Bible or your little Bible, you’ve got to prepare your offering, bring your handkerchief, decide on your tie, decide on which shoes you’re going to wear, which stockings, and then, you put on the final item – you put on the “face” or the façade that you’re going to put on to face pastors and preachers and ministers and deacons – because in some cases you don’t want people to see you – you want them to see the you that you have created.
Life does that. It will make you construct a personality that is not based upon your reality. The pain of failure, the pain of trials and tribulations, the circumstances of life, will cause you to paint a picture of yourself for public consumption that is not an accurate description of yourself – because you don’t want anyone to know that underneath that cool, smooth, effervescent, bubbling, sparkling façade, there is an individual who is hiding pain, scars of hurt, and wounds that have yet to heal.
It takes a lot of work, preparation and effort to hide pain. You don’t want to let down your guard because you want people to see you at your best. However, the truth of the matter is that you’re not the only one who gathered here this morning that is in pain. There are degrees of pain from the pulpit to the door and some of us have “self-medicated” so much that we are bleeding on the inside and don’t feel it anymore because we have chosen to ignore it or deny it because we don’t want others to know that we may smile on the outside but on the inside we’re crying out for help, crying out for love, crying out for attention – but we dare not say it or demonstrate it, because we don’t want others to know.

Tucked away in the scriptures in the second part of King David’s reign, is a pericope that most of us don’t even want to hear about is a narrative of pain, heartbreak, and the destruction of a life. Tamar is the daughter of King David. She is described by the word as a “beautiful woman” who is the daughter of Maacal, one of David’s many wives. David is lifted up for his accomplishments but he had another side of himself – he was a King, but he is also the progenitor of a family curse. Nathan the prophet has told him that his sins would echo into his house and the lives of his children. David’s household is large, for before he closes his eyes in death, he will marry at least eight women and have a total of seventeen wives and concubines.

It is rare, because of the culture, for daughters of the biblical patriarchs to even be mentioned. However, Tamar is introduced to us – she is born of privilege, the daughter of a king. Her mother was a princess of Geshur. Her older brother Absalom was third in line to succeed David as king.  Her older half-brother, Amnon was the first order after the king. In the culture, her older brother Absalom, who is also described as a “beautiful man,” is her covering, more than her own father, and is her protector and her guardian. Tamar is not from a broken home, but she is from a home with issues. As a virgin, she was not even supposed to be alone in a room with a single man.

Every home today is not a broken home, but most of us live in homes with issues because we live in homes that contain no perfect people. Husbands have issues, wives have issues, sons have issues, daughters have issues – and you can be in what looks like a great family and somebody in that house is going to have issues. Ever wonder why some people act crazy and it looks like they come from a perfect family? Because we all have issues, and I hate to be the one to tell you but you are sitting next to a person with issues, you’re hearing a sermon from a person with issues, you’re sitting behind a person with issues, you’re looking at some people with issues, even there are young children in the choir stand with issues, and if you tell the truth, you’re wearing the clothes of a person who has some issues.

Tamar grew up in a setting where she had not only her momma Maacah – she didn’t have two mommies, she had seventeen – she had Mama Ahinoam, Mama Abigail, Mama Haggith, Mamma Abital, Mama Eglah, Mama Bathsheba, Mama Ibhar, Mama Elishua, Mama Elipleleet, Mama Nogan, Mama Nephag, Mama Japhia, Mama Elishama, Mama Eliada, and Mama Eliphelet. Tamar was a virgin which meant that she was protected by not only her family, but by the law. If a man took her virginity from her, he was required by the Law to pay her father 100 shekels of silver and he would have to marry her even if he didn’t want her. She lived in a palace, she was manicured and pedicured, she was educated for the standards of women in that day, she traveled in the entourage of the King, but she lived in a house with issues. If you’re not careful, if you live in a house with issues, and you live with people with issues, you too will grow up and have issues.

Tamar’s issues came in the form of her beauty. That may surprise you but being beautiful can create issues. If you talk to people who are beautiful in their appearance, they will tell you that they are some of the loneliest people in the world. That’s why it’s shocking to see some people who marry beautiful people, who aren’t beautiful themselves, because nobody else had the nerve to talk to them. Her beauty attracted someone who should have seen her as family and not fine – her older half-brother, Amnon, the heir to the throne of David, the son of Mama Jezreel, whose name means faithful, but his actions are anything but.

The Bible declares that Amnon LOVED Tamar. But he really didn’t love her, he LUSTED her. She was fine, a virgin, and he wanted her in a sexual way. The disturbing portion of this is that not only did he think it, he said it. I need to tell us that once a thought leaves the chambers of the mind and starts being expressed, it may move from the mind, to the lips and then to the will. That’s why you have to be careful what you think, and careful what you say, because if you think and say something else – you’ll wind up doing it. Some people are in jail right now because they thought it, said it, and then did it. Some people are in bad relationships with others now because they thought it, said it, and then did it. Some people aren’t employed right now because they thought it, said it, and did it. The Book of James says, the tongue no man can tame, but the Holy Spirit can help you if you want it tamed.

Amnon not only expressed his lusty love but he told it to Jonadab, who the Bible even calls a “very crafty” man, about how he wanted to get with Tamar. But Jonadab was the son of Shimeah, who was the brother of King David, in other words, he was the first cousin of Tamar and the first cousin of Amnon and Absalom. At that point, Jonadab should have stopped and corrected Amnon. He should have told him he was out of his mind, he should have told him there are other fine women in the nation, he should have told him that it wasn’t right to think that, or he could have even went to David and tipped him off about how Amnon was thinking or he could have even went to Absalom and told him – but he says, I’ll help you get her.

Perhaps one of the deepest pains you’ll ever feel is to know that your own kinfolk who could have helped you looked the other way.  Part of suffering for some people is to know that it wasn’t someone on the outside of the house that hurt them – but it’s someone on the inside of the house. That uncle, that auntie, that cousin, that brother in law, that sister in law, that mother, that father, that sister, that brother, that should have been a protector instead chose to be a predator. If my nephew told me that he wanted my niece that would be a simple matter – somebody may get hurt. If my brother told me that he wanted my sister that would be a simple matter – somebody may get hurt. And I hate to say this but some people have learned to look the other way when people outside of the house get hurt, but baby, when it’s in your own house – you can’t afford to look the other way, because you’re ushering a satanic spirit into your house.

Before I go further, it was David’s daughter who was about to be raped, but it could have easily been David’s son. Incest and abuse is not just reserved for men messing with girls, it also involves men messing with boys. We don’t like to talk about it in the church, but today the Devil is a lie – we can’t afford to look the other way while a uncle messes with a niece or a uncle messes with a nephew, and we can’t look the other way while a grown female cousin messes with a daughter or a grown female cousin messes with a son. It ushers in a satanic spirit into the home!

Jonadab and Amnon devise a plan to get her alone, away from the crowd, Amnon would go to David and say he’s not feeling well and will ask him to send Tamar with some “fancy bread” which is a pancake with anointed oil, to bring it to him privately, where Amnon can then rape her – one of the cruelest, painful, and most wretched things that can happen to a woman or a man – away from the crowd. There are some scars in life that happen publicly, but it’s the private wounding that causes so much pain. She pleads with him, don’t do this to me. Talk with my father, please don’t, please don’t. He rapes her and then he says, “I hate you.” And he tells her don’t say a word.

Amnon found out that he wasn’t in love with her. But I need to take this a step further, Amnon says he hated her, but in essence his hatred was even for himself. Lust and Hatred are not opposites, their cousins. There’s a thin line between lust and hatred. She had been disgraced. She had been defiled. She had been nothing more than a piece of meat to him, and then he says, I hate you and throws her out of his bedchamber, and tells the servant, put her out. It was customary for the bedchamber servant to be posted at the door, and he not only wants her out of the room, he wants the door bolted – to symbolize that I don’t want you near me.

Tamar didn’t cause the rape. She didn’t flirt with her brother. She didn’t send him love notes. All she did was to be obedient to her father, David. All she did was to try to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good relative, a good friend. Often times, those who have been abused, you didn’t do anything. You didn’t flirt; you didn’t ask for it, you didn’t lobby for it. You didn’t ask to be abused, you didn’t ask to be passed away like a joint, you didn’t ask to be set up, you didn’t ask to be manhandled, you didn’t ask to be tied up, you didn’t ask for this trouble. It was out of your hands, it was out of your control. But when the predator gets his prey, and he wants nothing to do with you anymore – now it’s just you, bruised, beat up, abused, and you’re too ashamed to tell anyone. Tamar then tears her clothes, and places dust upon her, as if someone has died – and someone has, the old Tamar has died – never to be resurrected.

That’s how it is with abuse – the old Tamar is gone. A new Tamar is born – she’s in mourning, she can’t even look upon Amnon, she dresses differently now, she talks differently now, she’s somber, she’s hurting, she’s in pain, she’s the poster child for mourning. She was probably thinking when Daddy hears about this, he’s going to take care of Amnon; he can’t possibly let this go unpunished. But when David hears of it, the one who had the responsibility to seek reparations – he turns the other way, and stands with Amnon instead of what’s left of Tamar. Even her father David tells her, don’t say anything about this. David couldn’t do anything because his own sins have tied his hands.

Here you are. You haven’t done anything to hurt anyone. You’re now a desolate woman with a “dirty secret.” And if Daddy knows, other folk may know. So what do you do? You’ve been wounded not in a pagan house. You’ve been wounded in a holy house. Incest and sin happens in holy homes just like it does in unholy homes. Even if your daddy is a reverend or your momma is a missionary, your home is not tax-exempt from sin. It looks like your father has approved of your torture by not responding. You don’t feel like the daughter of a King or the granddaughter of a King. You don’t feel like you’re loved – even Amnon could have went to the King and asked for her as his wife she was good enough to go to bed with but not good enough to marry.

She went to her protector, Absalom. I need to tell you, when life deals with you harshly, you need to go to your guardian, your protector – and for us, that’s not a human with human hands, it’s God who understands our problems and our pains. Just like God, she doesn’t have to say a word – Absalom sees her pain, sees her distress, and he takes her up into his bosom and takes her to his house. She no longer has to worry about Amnon. She doesn’t have to plot revenge. Her protector, her guardian will take care of that – two years later Absalom had Amnon killed. I know you’re hurting. I know you’re in pain, but part of growing in grace, is knowing that God will take care of your enemies. In that day they didn’t have the legal system we have now. In that day they didn’t have counselors who will call the police and judges who were harsh in these matters. But what she had is what we still have today a guardian and a protector – she had Absalom, we have Jesus!

If you’ve been abused, if the old you has died, you can run to Jesus’ house! Come and go with me, to my Father’s house. There is love, peace, joy, happiness, restoration. Your pain can help someone else make it! And when no one else cares – God cares! He has not forgotten! I’ve come to tell somebody today, that if your father doesn’t care about your pain, God does! If your mother doesn’t care about your pain, God does! And God will take you in, and love on you, and love you – and restore you, strengthen you. Cast all your cares upon Him, He cares for you. It doesn’t matter if you are female or male – embarrassed, hurt, in pain, wiped out, messed up, messed over – the struggle is over!

Wherever you are, Whatever you've been going through
God says the struggle is over for you
You've been in this place long enough
And your mountainside has been rough
The struggle is over for you

Wherever you are, Whatever you've been going through
God says the struggle is over for you
You've been in this place long enough
And your mountainside has been rough
The struggle is over for you

Rev. Robert Earl Houston, Sr., is an Assistant Pastor at the Westwood Baptist Church, University Center in Nashville. He serves as Web Designer and Official Photographer for the National Missionary Baptist Convention of America. He has written for newspapers and magazines. Pastor Houston resides in Nashville with his wife, Jessica.

Copyright ©2007 Robert Earl Houston, Sr. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission BlackandChristian.com